I feel that too often we play small.
Shrinking ourselves to our fears or identities.
I think we are scared
Of the power we hold
So this year I said no more
I got a publisher, I took the projects, I ran the miles, I did the races
I built the courage
I loved harder.
Made big commitments like a home and proposing to my forever friend.
And the more we realize what we can do, the very process of aligning dreams with our action changes our self-belief.
It becomes easier.
We become to know ourselves as “the one who does what they believe in, who follows through, who acts, who’s confident, who does the damn thing”.
We show ourselves we CAN.
I forgot I even wrote that to myself 1/1/2021- “don’t play small” - until reading though my old journal.
It was the act, that led to another, which perpetuated - that's where it all came from,
you know it too.
And I don’t know about you, but it often feels like I’m doing all of it and also none of it
Like I did absolutely nothing with myself.
It was only when writing out the big "wins" , that I realized they didn’t feel like how they looked on paper.
Because the wins weren't in those outcome moments but the building, breakthrough and bounding in between.
That's why it's difficult to recognize,
I become disconnected from the outcome when I spent so long in the process.
Do you too?
So I have to remind myself - physically writing down - no matter how small.
What I did
That I can
And I will
Do it,
Again and again
I’m proud of me
and you should be proud of you
And don’t you forget
that the outcome is the process too.
On the surface one could see: Buying a home, winning my first off-road triathlon, proposing to my partner, competing and placing 2nd at the World Championship in Hawaii, doubling our clients at Spira, writing and crowdfunding my first book, receiving a large local food system project,
However, we are doing a disservice to ourselves, our potential and our expansion when we reduce our results to the simple outcome.
Below I write what I’m most proud of this year,
my biggest “wins”, they aren’t how they look
but how they felt
and what it took.
The 2x heartbreak of pouring myself into a book and it not being good enough, lots of doubt and confusion and disappointment happened in these moments that I had to work past. And continuing to keep going. Staying true to my ritual of writing every day.
The most CONSISTENT year of movement in ALL my years and for the first time in my life I made it a whole year without an overuse injury. 100p dedication to honoring my needs and dialing my rest, listening, caring for my mind/body/soul. I did this while doubling my mileage of running AND maintaining my full physical/mental health. Up until now I went 20+ years of chronic injury and overworking myself.
Tending to my own heart, with lots of dedicated emotional work from a professional mental and holistic health team, I found the other side of trauma - healing, where I allowed myself to feel it in every cell of my body. Practicing dropping in when it got tough and be my own best friend.
I went after another hard ass 50k self-supported (faster than before) and didn’t have water for the last 10 miles while carrying my dog’s food and my own, but I couldn’t eat it because I had explosive bowel movements and couldn’t keep food down/in. I can look back and not even be phased by it - proud of my presence and creating joy in the experience.
Working with a team of health support (which took a lot to find) I got my menstrual cycle consistent, pain-free and rid myself of debilitating PCOS pain.
Prioritizing to my relationships, community and doing life WITH people.
Built and grew a meaningful culture and expanding team at Spira that makes work and life aligned - as well as our pivoting company direction and multiplying clientele.
I completed a handful of first-time races: my first mtb race (following weeks off for a concussion - coming away with a local win and more love for my backyard). My first gravel race…I dq'd for a course mistake after coming in first. It taught me why I really show up. I also did my first offroad xterra (and then qualified and attended by first world champs - completing that race on a rented by in a cyclone with a cancelled swim!) while traveling. Each time, I was there with an eager and playful outlook, as I was presented the opportunity to explore myself, learn and see what I could do, I’m most proud of where my mind and body went in those moments.
Whole-heartedly showing up every day to get outside and move was a testament to what it means to get out and play, for the love for the process, enjoyment of the outsides, connection with community and curiosity for working in an out as I explore my inner and outer landscape.
I cultivated and tested the power of my mind more than ever as I showed to up blind and naïve to races yet was able to execute and perform despite unideal situations. I've never been so proud of my mental performance. So much of what I steadily chipped away in overcoming tiny daily challenges showed in my ability to not be wavered by adversity and that is more powerful to me than any race placement.
When I wrote my entire heart out to Andrew and executed on a proposal and a big ass biz/work/love/race Hawaii trip - it felt culminating of so many of my focuses over the past 28 years.
Saved up for a down payment (oh yeah, and started putting money into retirement), bought a damn home in the sweetest place with Andrew.
Overcoming my own doubt when healing a concussion, then doing a crowdfunding campaign with the help of Andrew despite my brain not feeling like my own. I wondered if I’d ever get better. My community showed up for me so hard and it meant the world to watch that unfold and receive their support.
Brainstorming a local consulting project - and further, receiving and executing on it!